There’s a lot of talk going around about Artificial Intelligence. From StarryAI generating cheap art, to NovelAI generating cheap stories, to ChatGPT cage-fighting SIRI and Alexa in some freaky ménage-à-techno-trois, scrambling for your attention, AI is popping up everywhere.
As a creative person myself, I am firmly against using artificial intelligence to generate any kind of art. AI has nothing original to offer and nothing new to create. AI simply pokes its fingers into the dark recesses of the internet and plucks out bits and pieces of whatever it thinks might look good together — some dried gum off the back of a subway seat, a scaly fish head washed up on the shore, cherry Dum-Dum wrapper stuck to the side of a garbage can — and tosses it all into a giant boiling cauldron. “Here,” AI says, and hands you a spoon. “Taste this.” You have no idea what it is or where it came from. Looks kind of cool though, all those colors mixed together. All those textures.
Do not eat from the cauldron of the AI enchantress. She has nothing healthy to offer you. She can only reheat stale leftovers and expired TV dinners in the microwave. She doesn’t actually know how to cook. Stop trying to teach her. No good can come of this. She will set the kitchen on fire and burn down the house.
And yet…
Sometimes she can make you laugh. Not in a “I just paid good money to hear this comedian, so come on, Barbara, we’re going to the Improv,” kind of funny. This is more of a shake your head and bury your face in your hands and say, “Tell me this can’t possibly be real,” kind of funny.
Oh, it’s real.
My son has been working as a travel nurse for a while now. He’s done tours in Washington, Virginia, and Missouri. When he’s not triaging trauma patients in the ER, he likes to scuba dive. In fact, he recently got his dive master certificate. We’re not sure how, but he recently received this personalized gem of a voicemail from some rando AI bot calling from +1 (614) 600-2433, posted here for all the world to see:
Congratulations! Hope your new nursing job is going well. I got your number from your mother. She says ‘hi’ and that she hates you. She said you can help me with a money wire of $500,000.
I will send it to you. You can then keep $5,000 and send rest to business associate in Cambodia, Mr. Timmons. To confirm identity, send Social Security number and mother’s maiden name.
We are designed a new scuba tank that explodes with 50% less shrapnel than the no-good rotten leading competitor scum. We are also looking for dive masters to test drive and endorse it. We even fill it with plutonium-238 gas. The alpha particles reduce decompression sickness. Can I count on you, my long-time lover, to help me out with wire and tank? Please respond ‘yes’.
I need money now for father’s operation. Very sick. Pancreas.
AI couldn’t even piece together a logical and coherent spam call! That thing is a hodge-podge of just about every con job ever offered over the phone. The only thing it doesn’t offer, which in truth I was kind of disappointed not to see, was a member of some Saudi royal family in desperate need of some fast US cash. (The inclusion of a Cambodian business associate was, in my opinion, a stroke of innovative genius, if I’m being honest. Also, who can resist the sensual pleas of a long-time lover?)
We all got a good kick out of the message and laughed and laughed at the ridiculousness of it. But then I had to stop and pause for a minute. We all know better, of course, but what if that message had gone out to, say, some sucker who pays four hundred dollars for a pair of golden tennis shoes? Or some religious nut willing to fork over sixty bucks to a Bible hawker? What if that message had been written in a coherent, logical, compelling way? What if it made sense?
AI isn’t there yet, obviously, thankfully. But at the same time, we should never let it get there either. We shouldn’t let it get anywhere close to being there. Don’t let AI cook for you. Don’t lick the spoon AI uses to cook with. In fact, don’t let AI anywhere near the kitchen. Kick it out into the street and let it keep foraging for itself among the cracks and crevices of the internet where it belongs.
