Six Days on Planet Sars-Cov 2

They told us the air was safe to breathe. They told us the inoculations we received in orbit would protect us. They lied.

Day 1

Disembarked from the alliance cruiser and dropped through atmo this morning. Something about the particulates in the air are making my throat dry and scratchy. It’s like I swallowed sandpaper, and when I cough, it’s like matches striking that sandpaper and setting my throat on fire.

Day 2

The planet’s gravity is messing with my equilibrium. There are soft spots here, places where the gravity is sometimes greater than, sometimes less than, Earth-normal. It’s like walking in a funhouse where the floors tilt at odd angles.

Day 3

I took a reading of the air composition. Definitely not Earth-like. Too much carbon dioxide and not enough nitrogen. Hard to catch my breath. I can barely walk from site to site without stopping in between for extended breaks. There are places I want to go, things I want to see here. Too much to do in too little time. Obviously, it’s not all getting done. Feeling very frustrated. Might ask for a refund.

Day 4

The temperature here makes no sense. It’s cold where it should be hot, hot where it says it should be cold. I’m shivering one minute, sweating the next. Wondering how the locals plan around the seasons. Does food even grow here outside the greenhouses? Not that I would eat it. I’ve lost my appetite.

Day 5

Something crawled inside my nose last night and took up residence. It’s blocking my nasal passages, making it hard to breathe. No one warned us about the local fauna. I don’t know how it got inside my room. I was hot last night and cracked a window. I didn’t see any rips in the screen or cracks in the glass. It doesn’t like it when I lie down, especially at night. I think it’s afraid of the dark.

Day 6

Last day on this miserable planet before I head back and rejoin the others in orbit. Whatever was in my nose must have crawled out last night. It’s a little easier to breathe now. Hoping it didn’t lay eggs. Almost a week down here and my muscles feel like they’ve atrophied. Looking forward to filling out one of those post-trip surveys. The views are nice, but this place sucks. One out of three stars. Do not recommend. Definitely asking for a refund. On the plus side, I lost that four pounds I was shooting for this month.

In case you couldn’t tell, I got Covid. Brought it back from a business trip I took last week to Jackson, Mississippi. I shared it with my son, because that’s just the kind of thoughtful father I am. Fortunately, my wife has super immunity powers and didn’t catch it, even after being exposed to us all week. (UPDATE: two days after writing this, my wife tested positive and got it worse than anyone else in the house. Poor thing.) We’re all fully vaxxed and boosted. We maintain proper distance when we’re around other people. We wash our hands. We cough into our shirts and elbows. And yet…

This thing is vicious. It’ll find a way in, just like those problem-solving aliens in Signs. If you’re part of the one-third of Americans who aren’t vaccinated yet, please do your fellow citizens a solid and get yourself vaccinated. If you have covid, please stay home and take care of yourself for the full quarantine period. If you have covid and you ignore the protocols and you walk around among people even though you feel fine, you deserve to be marooned on a distant planet.

I’m on the mend and looking forward to getting back to 100%. Stay well and take care of yourselves and others, peeps.